In the week we devoted to the topic of friendship, we looked into one of the reasons people sometimes struggle to connect with others. Sometimes there are no struggles. Some friends feel as if we've known them from a previous life. Research by many psychologists has led to theories that argue our way of connecting with others is the result of the attachment model and style we unconsciously developed within ourselves as babies.
Dr. Mary Main
Drawing on the theory of attachment formation in children, and after numerous interviews with mature adults, researcher and psychologist Mary Main identified several models of attachment in adults:
Secure attachment (autonomous)
Secure adults tend to hold a positive view of themselves and a positive image of others, meaning they have both a sense of self-worth and an expectation that others will generally accept them and respond to them.
Adults who show a secure attachment style during the attachment interview value relationships and acknowledge how those connections have shaped their personalities.
They show a willingness to recall and discuss attachment, which suggests considerable reflection prior to the interview. Finally, they show objectivity in evaluating their attachment figures and past experiences without idealization.
Many adults with this attachment style may in fact have lived through negative attachment-related events, but are nonetheless able to evaluate people and events objectively and to place positive value on relationships overall.
Dismissing-avoidant attachment
The dismissing-avoidant attachment style is shown by adults who hold a positive image of themselves and a negative image of others. They prefer to avoid close relationships and intimacy with others in order to maintain a sense of independence and invulnerability.
These are adults who avoid by dismissing — denying that they experience relationship-related distress, and downplaying the importance of attachment in general, viewing other people as unreliable.
Preoccupied attachment
The preoccupied attachment style is shown by adults who are excessively worried about insecurity in their relationships. Preoccupied adults hold a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others, meaning they have a sense of inferiority but generally evaluate others favorably.
As such, they pursue self-acceptance by trying to gain approval and validation from their relationships with significant others. They also need higher levels of contact and intimacy from their relationships with others.
They are often caught up in dependence on their own parents and are still actively struggling to please them.